I like most people like to think of myself as decent I’m polite meek respectful courteous. And as a result I get constantly hurt abused and let down but often the deepest cut is self inflicted I after the fact get so disappointed in myself for not standing up for myself knowing I deserve better.

So like many I have taken to drink to my absolute shame. But as many will say it dulls the hatred for me the magic number is 5 pints.

At that point I am ready to stand up for myself will not take the put downs. I realise what I’m worth am prepared to fight for that. Past 5 pints it goes abit down hill.

I loose the ability to regulate my actions more and more and that is when you not the other person looses.

What bugs me is the fact that I need to drink to get that clarity. I long for the day that I get that feeling and that self belief that I don’t need a single drop of alcohol because if I’m honest I don’t like alcohol. But sometimes we have to do something we hate to get to where we want to be.

It’s fast approaching Christmas so I hope I am the only one in this situation I hope that others don’t have to live through the nightmare I do everyday I hope the person I see in the street is happy.

All I can do is hope